Honestly, Tracey: Everyone in our friend group sees how much she drinks. Nobody will say itTracey Harrington McCoyWed, October 14, 2026 at 12:19 PM UTC

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We do a girls' weekend every fall, dinner once a month, and a group chat that never sleeps.

Dear Tracey,

Five years ago, my younger sister finished treatment for breast cancer. She's doing great, she's back to running her book club with an iron fist, and she has told me in no uncertain terms that she is done being "the cancer one." She mutes the pink ribbon posts every October and once regifted a pink travel mug within the same week.

I respect that. I also can't let October go by without letting her know I remember what she went through, and what we went through together. Two years ago I sent a card, and she called it "a sympathy card for something that's over." Last year I called, and she steered the conversation to her gutters in under a minute. The year I did nothing was the worst of all.

How do I show her I'm thinking of her without making it a big deal?

— Low-Key in Lancaster

Dear Low-Key,

Your sister has told you exactly what she wants, which is a gift in itself (most of us have to guess). She wants October to be a regular month. Your job is to find a gesture that says "I remember" quietly enough that she can enjoy it on her own terms.

I'll tell you what I do, because I have a sister too, and she gets soup. Every October I send her a Spoonful of Comfort care package. It arrives at her door, she heats it up on a Tuesday night, and that's the whole ceremony. She knows why it showed up, I know why it showed up, and we both get to keep talking about her gutters.

This year I'm upgrading the soup to a Vera Bradley collab so she'll get soup and a plush blanket and quilted pouch. Each package includes a contribution to the Vera Bradley Foundation to help support breast cancer research, so the care reaches a little further than her front porch. (The pouch is also cute enough that she might keep it, which is more than the travel mug got.)

What makes something like this land is how little it asks of her. A card asks for a reply. A call asks for a conversation. A warm meal and a soft blanket simply get used. Tuck in a short note, something like "Thinking of you, eat this on the couch," and let that be the whole message.

Then do it again next year. A small thing that shows up every October becomes a tradition, and a tradition says what you mean so you can skip the speech. (Who wants a speech??)

Dear Tracey,

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I have five close friends I've known since our kids were in elementary school. We do a girls' weekend every fall, dinner once a month, and have a group chat that never sleeps. One of us drinks a lot. More than she used to, and more than the rest of us.

She brings her own bottle to dinner "in case the host runs out." Wine at lunch is a given. After our weekend in September, she called me the next morning to ask what we'd talked about on the porch. It was a long conversation. It was about her marriage and I was sad to hear she didn't remember any of it.

When I mentioned it to two of the others, one said, "She's just having fun, we've earned that at our age," and the other said it's none of our business. Everyone sees it but nobody will say anything. I want to, but I'm terrified of being the one who blows up 20 years of friendship.

Do I say something? And how?

— Worried in Ohio

Dear Worried,

Say something. You were on that porch, you heard what she shared about her marriage, and you got the phone call the next morning. That makes you the right person, and the group chat can catch up later.

Pick your moment with care. One-on-one, daytime, sober, somewhere easy to linger, like a walk or coffee at your kitchen table. This type of convo deserves its own setting.

Then keep it to what you saw and how much you love her. Something like: "I love you, and I keep thinking about the morning after our weekend, when you called to ask what we talked about. It worried me that an important conversation was gone for you." One specific moment is far easier to hear than a tally of every glass since 2019, and it leaves out labels, which have a way of ending conversations early. (Again, do not start listing occasions she was too tipsy. Not helpful.)

She may laugh it off, get prickly, or go quiet. All three are normal first reactions, and your job is to say it once, kindly, and let it land. Leave the door wide open with "I'm here whenever you want to talk, about any of it." The porch conversation suggests she has plenty on her plate, and listening to that part may matter as much as anything you say.

If she's driving home after those dinners, that moves this to the top of the list, and it's worth telling her plainly that you'll happily be her ride (or call her an uber.)

As for the 20 years: a friendship that long can hold one honest, loving conversation. The friends who say the hard thing tend to be the ones we thank later (sometimes much later, after a little sulking). And if this turns out to be bigger than one talk, Al-Anon exists for exactly the people who love someone who drinks, and the T word is always on the table for either of you. (For new readers, T word = therapy)

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